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Vent-Coolroy
Mmmm Yeah,
Getting myself into situations that aren’t favorable, Lying to get what I want, and drinking like I’m trying to forget. Well maybe that’s the case, I honestly didn’t start doing this for some social acceptance or some slam scores…I just needed some sort of dependency and something to fill the hollowness. I don’t joke around because I’m funny or its in my nature to laugh at almost everything, its something I use to get me through the day. I have a hard time smiling genuinely, cause when I do, I’m reminded why I don’t do it often. Many of my friends find me to be out going and completely opposite from the shy, quiet, kid I am. To be honest I’m nervous as fuck in almost every situation possible, even if its simply getting up to sharpen my pencil in class. Living a lie or posing a front on the daily, making it seem like its a dead end job. I apologize to the girls that I had relations with and didn’t keep in touch afterwards, I tried but I didn’t want to drag out things that had no reason to begin with anyways. For some of you you understood right away but I wonder why you stayed to let things happen. I know I don’t have the best reputation to be saying this but I’m surprised by how many of you that can’t find the respect or decency to say no. I respect those who respect themselves and that is something that I would never change about me. But now its hard to find respectable people and I myself cant find a way to respect myself after everything I’ve done. But I guess what I’m trying to say is that I need people in my life that can prove to me that they’re real without me asking. Without having to perform some sort of test to see if they’re truthful. I want something real and as naive as I make myself out to look I know when someone is 100% with me because I can be 100% with them as well. Sadly right now I haven’t found someone that I can be like that with and sticks. Sorry, I know there’s a few of you that follow me on here that I consider to be my close friends and vice versa but that’s because ya’ll are the people I’ve somewhat opened up to. But there’s so little I let you all know about me its almost like at times you don’t know me at all. Maybe one day we’ll get to that point but for right now I don’t believe we are. I’m not depressed or I’m simply reflecting on this because it’ll help me with bettering myself for the future. Sadly habits are a bitch to change so this is going to take some time….
